Last Saturday night, I did something I'm not entirely proud of. I met up with J again.
We had been snapchatting (mostly dick pics) and messaging, he was always horny and wanted to meet up with me (in the dead of night when there's no one around), and I was flattered I guess: someone wanted me, only as a human flesh light, but still. I fobbed him off as I wanted to, claiming I had too much work to even think about meeting him, I even sent him a long message explaining why I couldn't see him...
"Hey :) I'm not sure that meeting up is a good idea at the moment. Even though I like you, I still feel like I don't know you, so I feel a bit weird fucking you (I know it makes no sense). I'm not really looking for a casual thing either atm, I'd rather go without than have to deal with any awkwardness that might occur. So, I'm sorry, I thought I could do this but after thinking about it I've realised that I can't right now, I'm sure we'll see each other out at some point, and if we do then maybe we could hook up, but until then I'm not sure this whole thing is a good idea."
Cue lots of begging from him, and the deed is done.
But then I had to ruin it all by getting drunk.
I messaged him asking if he was going out, he said he wasn't because all of his friends had gone home. He was in his flat by himself, he told me I could come over, I told him I'd message him later and he was excited.
Then, on the walk down to the club, I realised that I couldn't be arsed going, I hadn't the money to spend, and I had a better offer. I made my apologies and went to his.
He let me into the building and led me to the lift, once inside we were kissing, his hands were everywhere, on my arse, my tits, hanging onto my waist. We got to his flat and he took me to his room, complimented him on his iMac, I'd always liked them, then we were kissing again, I liked the kissing - he asked what I wanted to do and, like a good girl, I dropped to my knees and sucked him off. Delirious with gratitude, he led me to the bed where we kissed some more while his hand invaded my underwear. He managed to finger me this time, I was quite wet, but I still didn't come. He tried making use of my clitoris but I'm not quite sure he knew where it was. He asked to finger my arse, I said no. He asked to fuck me, and again, I said no. I put my dress on, he gave me a hug (completely infuriating - he had his fingers inside of me 2 minutes ago?) and I left.
Now there is silence. Not a comfortable silence, an ominous silence where I wonder if I've done something wrong. There are no snapchats and no messages. Last week there wasn't a day we didn't message or snapchat one another and now there hasn't been one where we have! It's ridiculous.
Also, I saw him out at B on Monday and he blanked me, admittedly I blanked him aswell but he could have come over and said hi.
The thing is, I don't like him. I think it's fun and cute and sexy when we're together, and I like getting his messages, but I can't say I want to be with him, or a want a steady fwb situation with him. I don't know what I want.
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