reality checks for delusional sociopaths.

This week I had an awful feeling that my romantic life was spinning out of my control, and that simply won’t do. Unfortunately this has led to a few smatterings of self-hatred, but I’m working them out on my own.

The main guy in my life at the moment is J; I’ve written about him previously. It is my mission currently to cut him out of my life because I think that that’s the best thing for me to do right now.

The saddest thing about my current state of affairs is that I am wholly unable to take my own advice. If I were a third party looking in on this situation, I’d think I was a complete fool, and my advice would be to get as far away from J as possible. As of now, that is what I’m trying to do.

J and I met on Tinder – an app for which I have nothing but contempt now - despite being friends on facebook beforehand. The sad and tawdry events that passed between us have been outlined in my other posts, so I won’t embarrass myself by rehashing them all over again. Since we met up last, J and I have hardly spoken. Aside from a few boring snapchats, there has been no contact, yet still I yearn for him to talk to me – to send me a snapchat, regardless of how boring it is, just because I want his attention, because I like it. I am under no impression that he cares for me, or truly likes me, but there is still a tiny, idiotic corner of my brain that wonders what it would be like if we were together – would it be fun? Would I meet his flatmates or his parents? Could he fall in love with me? The answers to all of these futile questions is no; a hearty, resounding no because he sees me as nothing more than a human fleshlight useful for nothing more than an hour’s entertainment, if that. When he wants me, not a day goes by where I don’t get a message asking if I’m busy, or a dickpic illustrating in no uncertain terms what J is offering. In the immediate aftermath of our meetings, or when there is no immediate opportunity for the two of us to meet, he doesn’t message or snapchat me at all (unless he wants nudes from me to whack off to) which only serves to reinforce the feeling that he just doesn’t care. 

So, I devised a plan. A plan which is completely necessary because otherwise I will continue to act without control. I need to help myself. I wrote out 'rules' which detail how I am not allowed to send or reply to any communication from him, I can't look at his facebook, his instagram or his 'mystory' on snapchat. That's pretty much the long and short of our relationship really and so that's the entirety of my rules. I presume it will be difficult not to indulge myself by replying so this provides me with a challenge over the Easter break, and all being well, I won't care about him when I return to Uni. Fingers crossed.

He has no idea about it. I can't be bothered explaining my feelings to him because I honestly don't think he'd care one little bit, so I'll save my breath. To be frank, he probably won't care. I want him to, I really do but I know he won't - he might pursue me for a while but he'll tire and move onto something/someone else and we can continue our lives as normal. And we'll all live happily ever after. The End.

The reason I'm doing this is because I feel I have to. I've fallen too far into this self-indulgent chasm and I need to pull myself from it because when it all comes falling down around me, I'll be the only one getting hurt. And as much as I've told myself not to do X, Y, and Z, I've not listened, and I've carried on regardless. That's why I've written out my rules and my intentions, so that it is both tangible and visible and so that I'll stick to it. It's going to be hard but I want to overcome, truly I do. I'll let you know if it works.

obviously I want J to realise he's head over heels in love with me and fight tooth and nail for my heart. This is why I'm a delusional sociopath because I know this won't ever happen in a million years.